Everybody

This is a picture of my family on the 4th of July, 2005. We all gathered at Aunt Linda's house and ate and ate and ate and ate....you get the idea.

Some people were missing. Scott had a previous engagement and Abby lives in Miami and couldn't make it. Mama Ruby, Papa Bill, and Brian have gone ahead to the next place.

Brian was special to me. My cousin, about 3 years older than me. We were such great friends growing up, we were always on the same page, had the same sense of humor and went through a lot of adolescent angst together. I thought about Brian today as we were making the drive to Aunt Linda's. I was excited to see everyone, I had not seen some of them in years. But Brian had been gone the longest. He killed himself when I was 22 and he was 24 and that was 10 years ago. And it was hard then and is still hard now. It seems I avoid my Aunt Judy and was not even aware of it until today. Judy was his mom. I am so afraid to talk to her about him because to imagine her pain makes me hurt. Today I sat with her for a bit and I told her I missed Brian and as soon as I said it, I cried. And I couldn't stop crying. And she just hugged me and told me she missed him too, every day. I felt like such an asshole, crying to HER like that. She is the mother who lost the child, I was just his cousin/friend. What right did I have to break down and cry? But I did anyway. And it felt good and I was glad she hugged me.

And I miss Brian. as much today as I did 10 years ago when I helped carry his coffin to his grave. I love you Brian, and I always will.