Friday, October 31, 2008

One more thing....

I forgot to mention this in the previous post, a bit of Hayden's character I noticed again last night. Her teacher was talking about a recent event some of the kids played at where they were judged individually on their piece, they had to play solo for the judges. She recognized the few girls who had scored a 1, which is a perfect score and had them stand while the audience applauded. She then pointed out the few 7th graders that had played and scored a 2, which is 'Excellent' with barely a mistake. Hayden was one of them and she said her name and motioned for her to stand. As everyone applauded it was so clear that Hayden is extremely humble and modest and does not want to be the center of attention. She doesn't just pay lip service to that either, she really doesn't want everyone looking at her. So as we all clapped loudly, she tried to hind her face behind her shaggy bangs lol. She is not ready to embrace her awesomeness just yet I reckon.


Hayden has been playing cello for a year and a few months now. Last night she had a concert where the 7th grade, 8th grade, 7/8 full symphony and then a small alternative strings group played. She plays in all of them but the 8th grade group (She's a 7th grader). Lots of people left after the 7th graders finished, not having a kid in the other groups. Those people missed the best parts of the show in my humble opinion.

Watching Hayden playing made me feel real pride, not the easy words you say to a kid when they've done something and look over at you to see if you saw it, but the physical manifestation of real pride in another person. That feeling grows from the love you have for that person and from the deep connection you feel with them. It wasn't the sort of pride like, 'look at what a great mom I am and how awesome my kid is turning out!' it's the pride you feel when you see someone you love deeply, forging a life for themselves and tapping into their talents and discovering who they are. It always makes my eyes well with tears, and I am soooo not a crier!

As someone who can't play her way out of a paper bag so to speak, I always feel admiration of people who can play. But watching Hayden, and knowing that she's done this all on her own, with pretty much zero prompting from me or Kevin, makes my heart swell. We have merely provided her the tools she needs to play and to get better, she's done all the work herself. She stays after school often partly to practice and partly because I think she adores her teacher and she has developed close friendships with other girls in orchestra. I love seeing her so devoted to something, so determined. It simply makes me smile.

Last night during some of the pieces they played, I stared in awe watching their hands.....if you have ever watched someone play violin or cello, you know what I mean. It's so impressive to me to see kids, who are at the most awkward stage in their lives....clumsy, distracted, messy....making these stringed instruments play beautiful music. Their hands move so fast, their faces were so focused. Hayden looks altogether different when she plays, not at all the distracted goofy 12 yr old that lives with me. She's focused, sharp, in her element.

It was the very last piece, Viva la Vida by Coldplay that did me in. That's when the big fat tears made their way to the edge of my eyes. The group that played this was the smallest group of the night and the teacher played with them, some songs she played violin and for Viva la Vida she sat next to Hayden and played cello but she also tapped a bass drum with her foot!. Viva la Vida means live the's a simple but pure statement. They played a video they had made on a screen overhead as they played the music. It was just a simple video of the kids being goofy and having the life so to speak. They played it beautifully, the group was tight and very on. The combination of the music, Coldplay being one of my all-time favorite bands, and the video of the kids living the life, really choked me up.

This is what we want for them, we want them to grow and make their own friends, carve out their own life and be happy most of all. But it's bittersweet, with each passing year Hayden grows more awesome, more mature, more wise, but she takes another step away from me. She has this whole part of her day, her life, that does not include me and that is a hard pill to swallow damn it! I don't yearn for her baby days and I don't mourn the passing of those early childhood days either, she was an easy baby and toddler, she brought us sheer joy. I do still feel the sting of time passing though, sometimes. Most of the time I am able to push it aside, not think about it and carry on. Every now and then a moment or a day comes upon me and there it is.....the inevitable truth. Some day they will all be gone from me, living the life. I hope that we've forged a close enough bond to bring them back from time to time. For now, they are all still here and it's times like last night when I remind myself that I too must live the life. I have to savor each moment I have with them no matter how boring or trivial....I must enjoy watching Jonas play through level 3 again or make sure my eyes are glued when Tristan urges me to watch him skate in the kitchen in his socks. I have to remember not to be short with Hayden when she just has a simple request. Soon enough, it will be so quiet at home. All this time I've wished for just some quiet, so I could think an uninterrupted day I am going to have endless quiet and I am sure to miss the noise.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Spare me.

If I hear one more supposedly educated adult whine about how they can't wait to stand in line for socialist cheese or some fucking shit like that, once Obama gets elected, I shall spoon my eye out. For real.

Are people this dumb? Are they unaware of the socialist practices that have been around over the last century? Buddha, God, Allah...someone...please help me.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

News break

I am taking a break from the news. I haven't listened to NPR in nearly two weeks. I haven't read hardly any news, although the NY Times is my homepage when I open my browser, I've only read the headlines and not bothered to read articles. I need to cleanse or some people would call it, burying my head in the sand. That's fine with me, it's warm and peaceful here in the sand.

Instead of the news, I've been reading nothing but fantasy and indulging in more TV than is normal for me. I have rediscovered Wolverine and all the other X-Men, I'm enjoying thinking that our little economic problems are trivial in comparison with the things that the X-Men or Batman have to deal with on a regular basis. And of course, all the monsters out there roaming the Earth...vampires, werewolves....I mean, who can worry about Merrill Lynch being bought by Bank of America when there are bigger problems, right?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Morning people

What does that even mean? I hear people say they are morning people, does that actually mean...they prefer waking up, functioning, in the early morning hours? What is wrong with these people? It's completely wrong. Sure, I love the early morning hours but I like seeing them from the other side, the side where you've been up all night and out (sometimes even in) doing something exciting or noteworthy. I loathe having to set my alarm clock and force my body awake before its natural rhythms wake it. I thank God pretty much ever day that none of my children are really morning people either. I suspect the little ones, who are now 6, will eventually sleep away the morning like their older sister does. Them being so small still, they wake up hungry but they don't wake before 7:30am any longer and that I can handle. These people who get up at 5am, on weekends for the love of all things holy, what the fuck? It boggle the mind I tell you.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Cleaning house

I've cleaned out and dumped some blog links in my sidebar. I've admittedly been using my blog lately as a bookmark for finding the blogs I read sometimes. I need to do better about journaling here. Anyway, I dumped some blogs that I don't wish to read anymore because the fascination wore off (Dooce mainly) or blogs that the authors never write in anymore (Brandie!!!!). Some blogs that never get updated remained because I remain hopeful that their owners will someday write in them (Fireball!).

So yeah, I dumped some blogs, added some new ones, it's like rearranging the furniture in here! Sweet.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


Yesterday marked our 15th anniversary. We've been married...for 15 years! Man that's a long time. I have to admit though, I love him at least 15 times more now than I did when I married him. Here's to another 15 years of wedded bliss!!!!!! Cheers!!!!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


It's amazing the difference in the sound quality you get with a decent pair of earbuds. These are a must for working for me anyway. I stick them in my ears and go to it. The music helps me focus on what I'm doing and helps to tune other noises around me out. And also, it's suppose to discourage my co-workers from trying to chit chat with me. When I have the earbuds in most of the time they keep on walking by my office.