Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Invisible

According to Merriam-Webster, invisible means: a: incapable by nature of being seen b: inaccessible to view

I have established myself, in my life, as a strong and outspoken person. I am thought of as being somewhat abrasive and rough, even a little insensitive (or a lot, depends on who you ask).

There is another layer of who I am that is invisible to others. I am very sensitive, but not really so much about myself. I carry a lot of worry and anxiety around inside and I keep it hidden, so that those who depend on me to have it together get what they expect. The invisible part is the place inside where I put all of the things that concern me. Things like......

global warming, the HIV epidemic that seems to be sweeping the globe, the Military Commissions Act that was recently signed by Bush, the abuse that children suffer at the hands of adults, the fact that thousands of people die from hunger every day and I don't finish my food at dinner, the large disparity among the haves and the have nots in our world, the awesome and sometimes overwhelming task of raising children in a world where people seem to be losing value as people, the search for God and figuring out how to let Him in, the fear that I am not able to be a good wife to a man that really deserves it


And sometimes I can't sleep because this invisible part of me requires that I nourish it with more worry and concern. "What's wrong?" my husband will ask me. I can never find the words to explain, because there is just so much. And the conflict I feel over being so incredibly blessed in my own life while others suffer in ways I could never imagine, eats at me and takes root inside. Following that I often feel hope that the generation coming up can be the one to make changes. I feel hope that my children and their peers will be able to turn it all around, because I have to have that hope.

8 Comments:

At 11:54 AM, Blogger Lillithmother said...

Thank you for sharing such vulnerablility with us at MSO. Worry and anxiety just suck...I hate it myself, so I've resorted to blogging...

Lil

 
At 12:00 PM, Blogger Smoov said...

Thanks Lil. While I don't feel that my worries stop me from leading a normal life, they sure do stay with me 24/7! And I want to participate in changing things, but I feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start.

Thanks for reading.

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger Tina said...

It IS overwhelming...and that's why sometimes we just don't do anything at all. Your worry reminds me, as it has (thankfully) many times before, that it is not hopeless. If enough people really do care, things can improve.

 
At 7:15 PM, Blogger Merelymama said...

When you talk about feeling guilty about people starving while you didn't finish your dinner...that really struck a chord with me. I have felt the same way about food, housing, clothing, etc...and sometimes I wonder why I insist on denying the feeling of satisfaction with what I have. Certainly I feel grateful for what I have, truly grateful and humble, but where does the guilt come from? It's not our FAULT we have what we do. I try to just feel content with my life and mindful of what others lack, and do my part to help those less fortunate. What else can we do?

 
At 3:13 AM, Blogger Linds said...

Hi, I am here from Mel's blog. Lots to think about in your post, but what I see is compassion. You have a compassionate spirit, and that arouses a conscience, and that is what we need if we are to have hope that we can make a difference, even in a small way. You sound like me, strong and outspoken externally, and mush inside where no-one can see. And God is interested in the small stuff.
I will be back.

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger Brandie said...

Well maybe I've been lucky to catch glimpses of that invisible part of you, but this post does not surprise me.
I see all of those things in you - strong, outspoken, not afraid to tell people how it is, but yet that you worry about things and are searching to find a relationship with God. I think that although it can feel overwhelming, I hope you are able to find a way to keep thinking about those things, to challenge others to think about these things as well, but can find a way to not let the anxiety overwhelm you (and keep you awake at night).
And I think you - without realizing have started to make change ... so our generation needs to do it and then our children will follow.
And I can say without a doubt, over the years, you have certainly given me a lot to think about, taught me a lot about what is going on the world, opened my eyes ... and so I say you have in your way made change for the better.

 
At 1:05 PM, Blogger Tiffany (aka minza9mm@aol.com) said...

Stacy in Jesus there is ENOUGH.

 
At 7:39 PM, Blogger Solistella said...

Meditation and quiet reflection sometimes helps me. Although it's taken years for me to get there... that inner voice can get quite loud and difficult to subdue. I still have my restless nights, but for the most part I can recognize when it starts and stop the worrier inside before she gets out of control.

I think the fact that you are a mother who recognizes there is hope speaks volumes for future generations. Keep up the hope.

Peace,
Krystyn
(Mama Says Om)

 

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