The reason I cried today

Today the boys brought home their "scrapbooks" from preschool. They have the most wonderful teacher, Ms. Loretta. If I could convince her to live in my home with me, I would totally let her have the master bedroom! She is awesome. Anyway, she made these books for all the kids, with pictures and art work from all year long. And I cried as I flipped through it.

How is it possible to love someone so much and then have those days when you are doing a mental check of where the shovel is in case you decide to bury them in the yard afterall? These boys were a surprise, and uh-oh we drank too much on New Year's Eve and now we have twins. I worried my entire pregnancy that I could never love them as much as I loved my first born, Hayden. And I also worried that something would be wrong with them because I thought maybe I didn't love them as much as I should, so I would be punished with babies that were not healthy.

They were and always have been the picture of health. And they are beautiful little boys.And I'll be damned if I don't love them just as much as I do Hayden! It seems your heart has room for all the people you love. It is amazing.

So I cried as I looked at those pictures, of them at preschool, together and having a great time. So many days I get so angry with them, the fighting and whining and toy-stealing. So many days I feel very exasperated by bedtime, wondering out loud why on earth I had children since I obviously don't know what I am doing. During the really dark times I sit quietly after everyone has gone to bed and think how my children deserve a better mother, how they deserve someone who is always cheerful, never yells, and always puts them first. But they got me instead. And then some days I know I am doing a good job, I know that they will all grow up to be strong, healthy, and successful, even if it is despite me!

I cried happy tears looking at their scrapbook, happy to know that they are growing up and they will be okay. And so will I.