Time
On the last day of school I was overwhelmed with a lot of different emotions. It's not really like me to be teary and weepy over stuff like kids growing up, I'm not a cryer and if I do cry you can bet I won't be doing it in front of other people. But on the way to work that day I was pretty weepy.
Time is one of those elements in life that we have no control over, we have to embrace it and work with it, we don't have any choice. People get plastic surgery in an attempt to turn back time or slow it down. It doesn't work though and it's misleading. Time marches on, no matter what you do or say. And I know we have all heard people say, "It seems like only yesterday that the kids were babies." It's such an overused phrase isn't it? But it's one of those that completely rings true.
I turned 35 on May 6th and it's been a difficult birthday for me, inside my own head. I keep thinking, damn...I am half way to 70. My life is essentially half over. Goddamn it, I'm not ready for my life to be half over! Stop the madness!!!!
My kids just finished 6th grade and kindergarten. It was bittersweet for me. The last year I will ever experience my children in kindergarten, which is such a momentous year for children. They learned to read, they learned to be pretty darn independent. My daughter is just shy of passing my height and her feet have already passed the size of mine. She's got her own life now, her own friends. She loves to be with them and it's been hard to accept that there is a part of her life that I am not part of. I know it's a natural progression and it's healthy for her to have that, but it's still hard and these feelings were unexpected. My job as a mom is to raise these kids to grow up and leave and live on their own, but it's not so easy to let go. I am thankful that mother nature gives us a kind of slow transition from childhood to adulthood. I know that with each passing year they will become more and more their own person and less and less mine. My head knows that and is glad for it, because that's how it's suppose to work. My heart feels differently. My little guys still want to cuddle and hug and kiss and they are still small enough to pick up and carry, for a few minutes anyway. But soon that will be gone. And it's hard to accept.
I look forward to the time when Kevin and I will have less child rearing work to do in our daily lives and more time to be with each other, reconnect and get to know each other as older people. I look forward to having grandchildren and a son-in-law and daughters-in-law. I am happy knowing that my family will still grow and expand in the coming years, but I am extremely sad that those babies are gone forever. This journey has been full of surprises, lessons, frustrations, joy and love. Lots of love. I've experienced love in ways I never imagined. I think that I didn't really know what I was capable of until I became a mother. I have learned what it feels like to love someone more than yourself, to know that I would give my life without thought or consideration in order to preserve theirs has given me a sort of freedom that I am not sure I could have found otherwise.
I would like to say thanks to the children. Thanks for what you teach me every day and thanks for showing me what innocent love is. Thanks for being the people you are and giving me gifts that are unique, precious and completely personal. You start your parenting journey thinking that you have all this work to do and all these things to teach them and then you learn that really, it's pretty much 50/50. They teach me just as much as I teach them. They are all amazing people with the potential to improve the world we live in. Being part of their lives, for however short it may seem, has been and will continue to be an honor and privilege.
I have to fetch a tissue now. I am weepy yet again.
posted by Smoov @ 8:10 AM
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