Bad dream

Last night I dreamed that I was walking around the edge of an old quarry with the kids. We were going there to swim as the quarry was no longer in use and was filled with water. Tristan ran ahead of us along the edge and I was shouting to him, "Stop! Stop! Wait!" as I tried to hurry and catch up to him. He slipped and fell off he edge. The water was clear at the top and got murky the deeper it went. I watched for a moment as his little body disappeared down into the deep murky water. I jumped in right away, gasping to Hayden to keep Jonas safe. I swam and swam and couldn't find him, he was gone. In an instant, gone.

I woke up gasping in horror in the middle of the night. I went and put my ear to Tristan's chest to make sure his heart was beating. I've never been so happy to see them as I was this morning when they woke up. What a horrible, horrible feeling that was, and it was one of those dreams that felt entirely real. When I woke up I felt as if I had been terrified and not breathing, my chest ached and my heart was racing. As I write this now, my eyes are welling up with tears. I pray every day that I will never know that pain for real, to lose a child and have to continue living on without them. That my friends, is my worst nightmare.

12 years

Today, 12 years ago, Hayden was born. My life changed that day, for the better and the way I looked at the world suddenly changed. Today Hayden is 12 and I can sometimes still see the little girl in her. She'll hug me and sigh and say 'I love you Mama'. Or she'll imitate me in the way she talks or the things she's interested in. Lately she's been very interested in photography and has been using Photoshop to tweak some of her own photos. She still likes for us to tuck her in at night, although that really consists of us sitting on the side of her bed and chatting for a minute and then kissing her goodnight. For her gift she asked that I take her to a salon for a perm. She's got stick-straight hair just like mine and of course wants to have curly hair. She's very into clothes and loves to go to the mall and shop. She's becoming the very typical pre-teen girl! While she's had some struggles with organization at school this year, she continues to be one of the brightest and creative students in her classes. Always thinking outside of the box and more often than not, turned off by the traditional way of going about things. She's got one hell of a temper (I wonder where she gets that from?) and she's passionate about the things she's into, sometimes to the point of high drama. Tonight we'll go out to eat, just our family and my mom. Tomorrow night she's having her party and has invited 7 friends over for skating, laser tag and a sleepover. We'll eat lots of junk food and the girls will stay up all night and I'll take loads of pictures for sure. Next year is 13 and I am thinking of some sort of really special-big-deal party to celebrate her first year as a 'teen'. For now, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my sweet, feisty, witty, smart-as-hell first born precious baby. I love you so much big girl, that it hurts sometimes!

Buying jeans

So I love jeans from The Gap and I have recently been cleaning out closets and replacing older jeans or ones that don't work for my 34 yr old mommy body anymore. Now, I have always thought of myself as an average size in pretty much all respects. I seem to be as tall as most women I see out and about, I'm about 5'5". I wear an 8 or a 6 depending on the clothing and an 8 in shoes. I assume lots of people are my size because my sizes are often scare on the clearance and sale racks. So, I'm buying jeans online from The Gap and the inseam choices are: Ankle, Regular and Long. I look up the size chart and discover that regular means an 32 inch inseam. Is that really regular? That's just 2 inches shorter than my 6'2" dad's inseam. But Ankle is 29 inches. What the fuck? Where is 30 or 31 inches? I'm pretty much a solid 30 inseam, a 31 gives me the trendy style that drags under my feet a little, which kind of annoys me unless I'm wearing heels. 30.5 inches is my ideal inseam but yeah, no one sells jeans in that size. So, I get the 32 inseam and good Lord they are too long! I love the jeans, so much that I did a load of laundry to specifically wash them. I wanted to wear them to work Friday. I will eventually get them hemmed but today I had to wear my blue suede boots with 3 inch heels so that I wasn't walking all over my jeans at the office.

Gap, please....rethink what you call "regular" inseams because really, the average woman isn't that damn tall!