Choo Choo crash

Canadian cigarette pack

My newly purchased mountain chalet

The reason I cried today

Today the boys brought home their "scrapbooks" from preschool. They have the most wonderful teacher, Ms. Loretta. If I could convince her to live in my home with me, I would totally let her have the master bedroom! She is awesome. Anyway, she made these books for all the kids, with pictures and art work from all year long. And I cried as I flipped through it.

How is it possible to love someone so much and then have those days when you are doing a mental check of where the shovel is in case you decide to bury them in the yard afterall? These boys were a surprise, and uh-oh we drank too much on New Year's Eve and now we have twins. I worried my entire pregnancy that I could never love them as much as I loved my first born, Hayden. And I also worried that something would be wrong with them because I thought maybe I didn't love them as much as I should, so I would be punished with babies that were not healthy.

They were and always have been the picture of health. And they are beautiful little boys.And I'll be damned if I don't love them just as much as I do Hayden! It seems your heart has room for all the people you love. It is amazing.

So I cried as I looked at those pictures, of them at preschool, together and having a great time. So many days I get so angry with them, the fighting and whining and toy-stealing. So many days I feel very exasperated by bedtime, wondering out loud why on earth I had children since I obviously don't know what I am doing. During the really dark times I sit quietly after everyone has gone to bed and think how my children deserve a better mother, how they deserve someone who is always cheerful, never yells, and always puts them first. But they got me instead. And then some days I know I am doing a good job, I know that they will all grow up to be strong, healthy, and successful, even if it is despite me!

I cried happy tears looking at their scrapbook, happy to know that they are growing up and they will be okay. And so will I.

The small things

A little slice of heaven = dark chocolate peanut M&Ms. Can you imagine how good these are? And I found them on my way to school Monday night, just when I needed something like that. I had a presentation to give, the final for that course. Information Policy and Strategy (YAWN). I talked and answered questions for 2.5 hours. Whew! Those dark chocolate M&Ms helped me through.

But really, the bottle of wine I drank once I got home helped even more.

I have been neglecting my blog. I either have nothing worth reading to say because all I have to say is stuff about school, or I think of some great entry while driving and then I have long forgotten it by the time I can sit down to write.

I will have a Masters degree in exactly 10 days. Can I get an Amen?

ZZZzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzz

I have been sleep deprived for so long that I don't think I can remember what it feels like to be really rested.I slept a lot when I was pregnant with the twins in 2002, that must have been the last time I was really rested.

I typically sleep 4-5 hours a night, Tuesday through Thursday. On Fridays I wake up at about 6 or 6:15am and I am awake until Saturday, around noon. Then I sleep from noon on Saturday until about 6pm, which sounds like a decent amount of sleep, but you have to remember that I was awake for 30 hours straight before. Then I work again, all night, and sleep during the day on Sunday. How long all depends on how loud everyone in my house is being, but on average I will sleep from about 7am until 3pm. The work again all night Sunday. On Mondays I sleep while the twins are at preschool, so I only get about 2 hours that morning. Sometimes I will take a nap when they do in the afternoon, but normally I have too much to do.

Saturday morning while I was sitting in class, after having worked all night long and been awake for nearly 30 hours straight, I was making mental notes about how I could feel it in my body when I was exhausted. The bone-tired that I feel on Saturday mornings manifest in a few small ways. I am ultra thirsty and can't seem to get enough water to drink, but I have to pee every half an hour it seems. Things don't sound normal to me, things sound like I have my head in a bowl or something. My eyes don't focus well, and they move in my skull much slower. My feet are unsure, climbing the three flights of stairs to my classroom takes a lot of concentration so that I don't trip and fall. I have to make the drive home with the radio off, otherwise the sound of the radio distracts me so much that I am afraid I might wreck the car. It's like I have to use every single ounce of energy I have left just to physically function.

I wonder what kind of person I would be if I got 8 hours of sleep every night? I wonder what that would feel like. I am so tired of being tired.

The last mile is the hardest

4 MORE WEEKS
4 MORE WEEKS
4 MORE WEEKS
4 MORE WEEKS
4 MORE WEEKS
4 MORE WEEKS

Yeah. That's right. MSIS in 4 more weeks.
In the meantime, the to-do list is as follows:

15 page paper on GIS due, 4/9
Case study presentation on Xerox due 4/11
Distance Learning weekly stats due 4/15
Unit 5 grades to be posted by 4/11
Grade all outstanding labs for distance learning class by 4/11
Request for Proposal final draft due 4/13
Systems Integration exam due 4/15
Request for Proposal presentation on 4/20
Database Systems exam due 4/23
Distance learning grades for Unit 7 due 4/25
CIGNA Healthcare case analysis and presentation due 4/25
Database Systems GIS presentation and write up due 5/7
Distance Learning course continues until the end of May, many, many more assignments to grade

Please. Someone. Stick a fork in my eye. Please?

Jonas and germs

This little man is our comedian. He is constantly trying to make us laugh or falling down laughing himself. He laughs like a certified lunatic and he is always, always, always moving. Jonas has never been the mellow twin, or the quiet one. Today the germs finally caught up with him and he just laid there on the couch. Poor baby.

 

Sexy Database Projects

I am working in a group of four in my database class, me and three guys. We are working on a really cool GIS (Geographical Information Systems) database. This book keeps me awake at night:

 

What graduate school has done to my home

See these horrific pictures? They were taken in my own home, just yesterday. And today those piles are bigger. Laundry was the first thing I had to let go when school got asylum-crazy. From time to time my husband will do some of it, and I will even move the clothes from one machine to another, but forget about folding them and putting them away. Sadly, even the twins know where to go for clean clothes. They can be found in the clean laundry pile in my room, mining for socks.

This is the clean pile:

 

This is the dirty pile: